Made perfectly to be loved?

This post is on the fly. It's unedited. It hasn't been read twice. What I wanted to say in the heat of the emotions is what is written on this stupid blog. I'm not lonely, but I don't want to be "alone" anymore. I am one of those people who is in love with love stories. I read and read and read as many books as possible and throughout my entire library, within every single book without fail, every time a sweet/romantic moment happens... it's dog-eared. This is so that I know exactly where to look for my favorite parts. I'm hopeless. It's pretty darn ironic that the person who is in love with romance and love and all of that jazz is the one person who is completely without any of it. I've never had any romance of any kind. I've never had a boyfriend, I've never been on a date, I've never even been asked out on a date, I've never been kissed, nothing. And I want it so badly. Yes, I'm all about abstinence and purity, but that doesn't mean that I don't want to have a Pride & Prejudice-esque encounter in the woods with my own Mr. Darcy. It doesn't mean that just because I'm waiting for my husband that I don't want someone to ask me to dance or to kiss me. No, I'm not about to kiss any old guy, but at the end of this year I'll be twenty years old... and I'll be a dateless, kissless, romancless twenty year old. Twenty years will have gone by of me swooning over romances of fictional characters all the while I never got to experience any of it. You know what? I want it too! I want it so bad!

I think about it all the time. I want to meet the person that I'm waiting for, or at leats meet someone that'll lead me to him. I don't want to be alone. I want to live in love, and I want to know what it feel slike to have someone you really like lean in to kiss you, or reach for my hand, or hug me when I'm having a really hard day, or just come meet me for Chinese when I'm hungry for it. I just want to experience the love that life has in store for me, rather than reading about it in novels and watching it on TV and in Movies. It's funny because I used to think that the reason no one asked me out was because of my size... now I'm wondering if it isn't just because of me. But that scares me more than anything else. What if the problem isn't something i can just fix? What if it's not my shape or style or whatever that people don't like... what if it's just ME that is why I'm eternally single? What then? A lot of what makes me me is stuff that isn't really the typical thing that guys look for in a girl... and it scares me that someone hasn't seen that as a positive yet. What if no one ever does? Am I destined to be alone forever?

If Life Begins at Conception....

In Philosophy class on Tuesday (yes, shocking that I was actually paying attention) we were arguing when Berkely would have believed that life began. We decided that since he was a bishop it would have been at either birth or conception rather than that we had just always existed. I happen to believe both, simply because if Jesus forgave all of our sins while on the cross then He knew us before we were ever even considered by our parents. He knew me thousands of years before I was born. I also believe that our PHYSICAL life begins at conception. I think that there are a few verses in the Bible that back me up, but none more so than in Psalm 139. I'll put the specific verses in bold, but I wanted to add the whole thing simply because of how beautiful this passage is. This is the NLT version, because that's the version that my Bible is:

1 O LORD, you have examined my heart and know everything about me.

2 You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.

3 You see me when I travel and when I rest at home. You know everything I do.

4 You know what I am going to say even before I say it, LORD.

5 You go before me and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to understand!

7 I can never escape from your Spirit! I can never get away from your presence!

8 If I go up to heaven, you are there; if I go down to the grave,a you are there.

9 If I ride the wings of the morning, if I dwell by the farthest oceans,

10 even there your hand will guide me, and your strength will support me.

11 I could ask the darkness to hide me and the light around me to become night—

12 but even in darkness I cannot hide from you. To you the night shines as bright as day. Darkness and light are the same to you.

13 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb.

14 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.

15 You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.

16 You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.

17 How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered!

18 I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up, you are still with me!

19 O God, if only you would destroy the wicked! Get out of my life, you murderers!

20 They blaspheme you; your enemies misuse your name.

21 O LORD, shouldn’t I hate those who hate you? Shouldn’t I despise those who oppose you?

22 Yes, I hate them with total hatred, for your enemies are my enemies.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.

24 Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

I guess my question is, if we believe that life begins at conception, why is it that our age is determined by "birth days"? Technically, since I believe life begins at conception, and I was supposed to be born on Christmas, but was born 6 days early, I'm not 19 years old, I'm almost 20! I'm 19 years, 353 days old (if you count today). I was knit together in my mother's womb by God himself. He watched over me as my body grew. He made me perfectly and wonderfully. He knew me even then. And I was alive for those 8 months and 25 days.... then why don't we celebrate those days? Why aren't those days counted if we say that live begins at conception. From the very moment my existence began, my life began... and yet on Earth we only recognize those from birth on... why is that?

Does anyone have an answer for me?

Don't wanna be all by myself?

"A bold and dashing adventure is in your future within the year."

I went to a local Chinese restaurant last night in my town and the quote above was my fortune. It's funny becuase, I should be ashamed to write on here that I went to the restaurant because I went ALONE. However, I'm used to going to things alone. My senior year I didn't have many close friends, I had maybe one or two, but the problem was that they had numerous close friends. I was just one of many to them. Because of this fact, I would go to dinner/lunch even movies alone because my two friends would be busy and I didn't want to miss seeing a movie in theatres. My mom was always busy working or being lovey dovey with her new husband and it seemed that if I made time for myself then it wouldn't feel like I was alone because no one else would make time for me. I convinced myself that I liked being alone sometimes (even though I was alone MOST of the time), and apparently my gift of persuasive speaking even works on me because I believed it--for the most part. If I just didn't think about it, it was easy to look past the fact that I bought a super small popcorn and drink at the movies because the next size up was too big for just one person to eat by themselves. It only got hard or embarrassing when I'd see someone I knew or a group of someones I knew at the movies and they'd ask me what movie I was going to and I'd say, "Oh, umm I'm going to Mamma Mia with my mom."

and they'd, of course, reply, "Oh really? So are we!" To which I would smile back at and try and make some nice, mindless conversation until we'd part ways to 'go to the movie!' and I'd always find myself in an internal debate-- go to the movie and entertain the possibility that I could be seen at a movie alone, or just go see a different movie and see Mamma Mia another time.

Because I'm really stubborn and refuse to allow others' actions to change my course, I'd always go to my first choice movie. I'd sit as far from them as possible and wait for them to leave the theatre before I got out of my seat. I had a whole act worked out perfectly.

A year later, with plenty of friends, I still go to movies alone and eat dinner out alone sometimes. It's not for lack of friends as it was before, rather, now that I'm so used to seeing movies alone and only having to think about my own opinion on the movie, it gives me a lot of anxiety when I go to a movie I've really been looking forward to with someone else because I always worry about their opinion. I know it's incredibly stupid, however it's one of those many things in life that you know is stupid but you can't help feeling it anyway.

I think one of the reasons I eat alone sometimes, despite the fact that I'm hungry and don't have anyone to eat with, is the fact that I have no idea when I'm going to get married, in fact, there is no guarantee that I'll ever get married. It is entirely possible that I will never find anyone who loves me or wants to marry me and make a life with me. It happens. Not everyone gets a happy ending, a lot of people don't get 'picked'. It's funny... that's something I've always craved when it comes to men. I'm one of those girls who always had picked out who she liked and would become friends with the person and watch as they fell for her best friend. I had a very beautiful best friend in high school who dated many a boy that I secretly liked. I'm that girl, though. I've waited so long to date, etc. that I think I'm waiting for someone to pursue me. I want someone to look at a crowd of girls and point to me and say, "Yeah, that's her." It may be that I'm romantic, or just lonely, but I've never been the one someone picked, and it'd be nice to not have to wonder for a lifetime if he only started dating me because I asked him. Maybe I'm just one of those people that nobody picks, and therefore am doomed to be a cat lady. I really do like cats....

Regardless, maybe the reason I'm okay with eating alone is the fact that I've accepted the fact that it may be some time before I find that one person who is going to call me every time he wants to go to subway and grab a sandwich. So, conditioning myself to not be embarrassed or ashamed when I go out to eat by myself is probably healthy and was probably a good move on my part. Probably. I will admit, that for the first couple of months, it kind of felt like when you have a bruise on your leg and you keep randomly hitting it on stuff, it hurts the first five or so times, but then after that you're so used to hitting it that you only faintly feel the ache, and then after that, you don't feel it anymore because the bruise is gone. The first number of times it was embarrassing and I cried in my car afterwards, but now I'm just glad that I'm independent and confident enough to do things by myself, because I had a serious sweet & sour chicken craving, and so I went and ate it. Sure, I texted one of my friends before, but she was busy, so I went alone.

After writing this blog, I've realized something important. I don't like saying the word ALONE. I go to the movies alone. I eat out alone. I am alone a lot of the time. I don't mind being alone. Alone Alone Alone. I've decided that I like the sound of BY MYSELF a lot more. I go to the movies by myself. I eat out by myself. I am by myself a lot of the time. I don't mind being by myself. I'm not alone, I have me. After being accustomed to only having myself to keep me company, I've realized that I think I have a leg up on people who have to be with others to do something. 98% of my friends would rather go home and watch TV than go to a movie alone. Result? They miss out on a lot of good movies. But me? I see every single one that I want to.

Waiting isn't hard to do: my view on abstinence.

This is one of those topics that no one likes to talk about, whether because it is awkward or too personal, but I feel like because it's ignored, a lot of people make mistakes regarding it. If we choose to ignore topics because they're hard or awkward or uncomfortable to talk about, no one will ever know the truth. So, on to the awkward blog...which has to do with my fears in that: it is a big fear of mine that because I have a firm stance on this (as in, it is my belief that I won't change for anyone) I may not get married... what if no one else is willing to wait? As a blanket statement before I say anything else, non-virgins--I don't feel superior to you. I, personally, think that having sex before marriage is one of the main reasons that the divorce rate is so high these days. I stay a virgin for religious and moral reasons, but I also see the intelligence behind the decision. Being a virgin isn't only about being a Christian and following God's word, it's an intelligent choice no matter your religion. I want to have a healthy relationship that isn't sitting on a foundation that is purely physical. Yes, I want to have chemistry with my husband, however I am not willing to have that be the most important aspect of my life. I believe that it shows that I respect my body, myself, and everything else that I have to offer when I choose to abstain from sex and all other sexual acts. I believe that the reason sex before marriage is so rampant, not because it's something that everyone necessarily sees is right, rather they feel the pressure to do so. I refuse to be pressured into anything. Plus, I want to be able to tell my husband on our wedding night that he is my one and only... isn't that beautiful? Wouldn't you love to know that you were the only person your husband had ever loved in that way? Won't it be a little bit hurtful to know that other women have been intimate with him? Isn't that baggage that a marriage doesn't need? I honestly feel that even if waiting until marriage didn't satisfy me in a religious sense, it would satisfy me as a forward-thinking modern woman. By not needing to have sex before marriage, it's showing that I respect myself and believe that I have enough to offer someone that I don't need to have sex to be worthy of them. I'm saying that I know that I shouldn't have to give up a part of myself in order to be worthy of marriage. I know that a lot of people will be turned off by this blog, but isn't that how life is? Nobody likes to hear the truth, especially when it hurts, but this is it. This is about real life and how this one decision can really change everything for a girl or a guy. I"m not talking down to anyone when I write this, but I think that pre-marital sex is an avoidable mistake, and by making that choice, you're giving away a piece of you that you won't ever get back. Please, read this and know...you are worth the world, and having sex with someone doesn't make you more special to them. It doesn't up your chances of staying together or having a healthier relationship. In my belief system, sex was something God made to be enjoyed between a man and his wife, why is it so hard to wait those extra few years? I'm a virign, and I'm living a very fulfilled life... how does momentary pleasure do anything to add to that?

How do I love me... is there even a list?

I find it funny that even as I'm starting out on this blog, which is a project to overcome my fears, I'm reluctant to write anything down. I'm an honest writer. I write what is real and true. When I come up with characters for my stories they're never the perfect girls who are good at everything and have no problems and always get prom dates; no, they're the girls like me who are flawed. They work for everything that they earn, they go to prom alone, and they try desperately to not want to be the aforementioned girls. I write truth. So, knowing this fact about myself, I'm reluctant to begin writing about myself, because my pen is brutally honest, and I have a fair few flaws to exploit (PS... alliteration anyone?). Regardless, I want to start my project off on the right foot, so here's my ten seconds to breathe the fear in... and my moment to breathe it out and get on with my life.
I think what I struggle with the most on a daily basis is not my fear of things, it's the knowledge that I don't really know myself. And, honestly, if there's one person on the planet you have no excuse not to know thoroughly, it's yourself. I used to know me quite well and then... well, life happened. Within a short few years my grandparents and my parents got divorced, I started high school, my mom remarried, I got mercilessly bullied, and lost all of my friends, save one. Long story short, everything changed; I changed too, only, I didn't notice. Once I finally took note of my drastic shift it was too late and I looked in the proverbial mirror and hardly recognized myself. Ever since my sophomore year of high school I've fought against myself and searched for my identity, but what I've just recently realized is that I haven't been searching for my identity... I've been trying to create my own perfect idea of what I wish myself to be. I've had the mindset that since I was identity-less I could reinvent myself. However, it's hard to reinvent something that you have no knowledge of.
As of late, though, I've come to know this Jennie character and come to find out, I kind of like her. She has quite a bit to offer, it's just buried beneath years of self-doubt and struggle. It would seem that I just got lost in the hustle and bustle and now that I've regained my bearings I'm lost in the woods. That last sentence is a metaphor from Dante's Inferno (read it... it will change you). The beginning of Dante's entire journey is him losing his way. He falls away from his original path and when he finally looks up and takes in his surroundings he realizes that he's lost in the middle of the woods and has no idea how to get back to his original path. I feel much the same way, however I also feel that maybe my original path doesn't fit me anymore. I think I've outgrown that way, and now that I'm discovering who this new Jennie is, I might have to forge a new path...it's going to be hard work, but I'm hoping that by February 14th, 2011 (one year from now) I'll have a better idea of where I'm headed and who exactly I am. I want to not only know my adventure, but also the adventurer. Life for me is just beginning, and yes, thus far it's been riddled with hardships that most people don't ever come across, but I kind of feel like a phoenix in a way... my old life is over, that girl is gone; but from her remains, a new life has sprung.
Here's to the future and it's endless possibilities.
365 days of no fear and no hate. 52 weeks to only love myself. 1 year to find my way.