This post is on the fly. It's unedited. It hasn't been read twice. What I wanted to say in the heat of the emotions is what is written on this stupid blog. I'm not lonely, but I don't want to be "alone" anymore. I am one of those people who is in love with love stories. I read and read and read as many books as possible and throughout my entire library, within every single book without fail, every time a sweet/romantic moment happens... it's dog-eared. This is so that I know exactly where to look for my favorite parts. I'm hopeless. It's pretty darn ironic that the person who is in love with romance and love and all of that jazz is the one person who is completely without any of it. I've never had any romance of any kind. I've never had a boyfriend, I've never been on a date, I've never even been asked out on a date, I've never been kissed, nothing. And I want it so badly. Yes, I'm all about abstinence and purity, but that doesn't mean that I don't want to have a Pride & Prejudice-esque encounter in the woods with my own Mr. Darcy. It doesn't mean that just because I'm waiting for my husband that I don't want someone to ask me to dance or to kiss me. No, I'm not about to kiss any old guy, but at the end of this year I'll be twenty years old... and I'll be a dateless, kissless, romancless twenty year old. Twenty years will have gone by of me swooning over romances of fictional characters all the while I never got to experience any of it. You know what? I want it too! I want it so bad!
I think about it all the time. I want to meet the person that I'm waiting for, or at leats meet someone that'll lead me to him. I don't want to be alone. I want to live in love, and I want to know what it feel slike to have someone you really like lean in to kiss you, or reach for my hand, or hug me when I'm having a really hard day, or just come meet me for Chinese when I'm hungry for it. I just want to experience the love that life has in store for me, rather than reading about it in novels and watching it on TV and in Movies. It's funny because I used to think that the reason no one asked me out was because of my size... now I'm wondering if it isn't just because of me. But that scares me more than anything else. What if the problem isn't something i can just fix? What if it's not my shape or style or whatever that people don't like... what if it's just ME that is why I'm eternally single? What then? A lot of what makes me me is stuff that isn't really the typical thing that guys look for in a girl... and it scares me that someone hasn't seen that as a positive yet. What if no one ever does? Am I destined to be alone forever?
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