I went to a local Chinese restaurant last night in my town and the quote above was my fortune. It's funny becuase, I should be ashamed to write on here that I went to the restaurant because I went ALONE. However, I'm used to going to things alone. My senior year I didn't have many close friends, I had maybe one or two, but the problem was that they had numerous close friends. I was just one of many to them. Because of this fact, I would go to dinner/lunch even movies alone because my two friends would be busy and I didn't want to miss seeing a movie in theatres. My mom was always busy working or being lovey dovey with her new husband and it seemed that if I made time for myself then it wouldn't feel like I was alone because no one else would make time for me. I convinced myself that I liked being alone sometimes (even though I was alone MOST of the time), and apparently my gift of persuasive speaking even works on me because I believed it--for the most part. If I just didn't think about it, it was easy to look past the fact that I bought a super small popcorn and drink at the movies because the next size up was too big for just one person to eat by themselves. It only got hard or embarrassing when I'd see someone I knew or a group of someones I knew at the movies and they'd ask me what movie I was going to and I'd say, "Oh, umm I'm going to Mamma Mia with my mom."
and they'd, of course, reply, "Oh really? So are we!" To which I would smile back at and try and make some nice, mindless conversation until we'd part ways to 'go to the movie!' and I'd always find myself in an internal debate-- go to the movie and entertain the possibility that I could be seen at a movie alone, or just go see a different movie and see Mamma Mia another time.
Because I'm really stubborn and refuse to allow others' actions to change my course, I'd always go to my first choice movie. I'd sit as far from them as possible and wait for them to leave the theatre before I got out of my seat. I had a whole act worked out perfectly.
A year later, with plenty of friends, I still go to movies alone and eat dinner out alone sometimes. It's not for lack of friends as it was before, rather, now that I'm so used to seeing movies alone and only having to think about my own opinion on the movie, it gives me a lot of anxiety when I go to a movie I've really been looking forward to with someone else because I always worry about their opinion. I know it's incredibly stupid, however it's one of those many things in life that you know is stupid but you can't help feeling it anyway.
I think one of the reasons I eat alone sometimes, despite the fact that I'm hungry and don't have anyone to eat with, is the fact that I have no idea when I'm going to get married, in fact, there is no guarantee that I'll ever get married. It is entirely possible that I will never find anyone who loves me or wants to marry me and make a life with me. It happens. Not everyone gets a happy ending, a lot of people don't get 'picked'. It's funny... that's something I've always craved when it comes to men. I'm one of those girls who always had picked out who she liked and would become friends with the person and watch as they fell for her best friend. I had a very beautiful best friend in high school who dated many a boy that I secretly liked. I'm that girl, though. I've waited so long to date, etc. that I think I'm waiting for someone to pursue me. I want someone to look at a crowd of girls and point to me and say, "Yeah, that's her." It may be that I'm romantic, or just lonely, but I've never been the one someone picked, and it'd be nice to not have to wonder for a lifetime if he only started dating me because I asked him. Maybe I'm just one of those people that nobody picks, and therefore am doomed to be a cat lady. I really do like cats....
Regardless, maybe the reason I'm okay with eating alone is the fact that I've accepted the fact that it may be some time before I find that one person who is going to call me every time he wants to go to subway and grab a sandwich. So, conditioning myself to not be embarrassed or ashamed when I go out to eat by myself is probably healthy and was probably a good move on my part. Probably. I will admit, that for the first couple of months, it kind of felt like when you have a bruise on your leg and you keep randomly hitting it on stuff, it hurts the first five or so times, but then after that you're so used to hitting it that you only faintly feel the ache, and then after that, you don't feel it anymore because the bruise is gone. The first number of times it was embarrassing and I cried in my car afterwards, but now I'm just glad that I'm independent and confident enough to do things by myself, because I had a serious sweet & sour chicken craving, and so I went and ate it. Sure, I texted one of my friends before, but she was busy, so I went alone.
After writing this blog, I've realized something important. I don't like saying the word ALONE. I go to the movies alone. I eat out alone. I am alone a lot of the time. I don't mind being alone. Alone Alone Alone. I've decided that I like the sound of BY MYSELF a lot more. I go to the movies by myself. I eat out by myself. I am by myself a lot of the time. I don't mind being by myself. I'm not alone, I have me. After being accustomed to only having myself to keep me company, I've realized that I think I have a leg up on people who have to be with others to do something. 98% of my friends would rather go home and watch TV than go to a movie alone. Result? They miss out on a lot of good movies. But me? I see every single one that I want to.
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